Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
