its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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