Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
