my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
