Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
