And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
