I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
