went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
