I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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