I just threw up on my dentist
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
