did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
