Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
