I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
