Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
