I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
