i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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