Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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