come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
