i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
