I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
