After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
