the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
