I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
