is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
