My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
