farters have to be the big spoon...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
