She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
