just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
