I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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