I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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