What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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