Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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