she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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