Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
