woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
