i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
