Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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