i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
