I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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