come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
