they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
