For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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