eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
