im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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