I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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