just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
