im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
