My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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