my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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