You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
