Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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