"it" just moved
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
