I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
