Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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