I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
