3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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