You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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