Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
